


White Roses

by Magnolie



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brooklyn Bridge, Durincest, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, New York City, Pining, Romance, Sibling Incest, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 13:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magnolie/pseuds/Magnolie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not because it's the 13th of Feburary and one day before Valentine's Day - it's because we won't be able to live like this for another waking second.</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Roses

**Author's Note:**

> Now, my titles get more and more pathetic... anyway, I asked lovely Mara to give me a Kili/Fili promt so I had something creative and nice to think about during exams. What she gave me was "one of them asking the other one to be their Valentine - no established realationship - Modern AU" and then my brain started working. I seriously loved writing this, I was so excited I was close to tears. But anyway, just read it :)

 

 

White         Roses

[COVER ART THIS WAY](http://little-magnolie.tumblr.com/post/74060059496/kili-fili-modern-au-valentines-day-to-mara-of)

____________________________________________

 

 

„Now and we also have some white roses that came in from Venezuela this morning, they are know for a very soft and nice scent, nothing too fancy but they symbolize purity and – that is my interpretation – a wedding dress! “

„Well...  I don’t want to propose. “

The young woman with the huge glasses and red hair looked at him for a short while, scrutinizing and wondering. She was slightly irritated, he could see that.

Then she cleared her throat and took her glasses off, cleaning them.

„You know… I _do_ think that that would be everything we have I‘m afraid. “

He curled his shoulders and looked around nervously. She had shown him seven kinds of roses and at least a dozen other kinds of flowers that people would usually give someone for Valentine’s Day. They had been pink and red and white and purple and orange, big and small, cheap and expensive, but it seemed as if she could show him another dozen species and he would not find the right flower.

“Maybe we need to look at it from another point of view”, she said, “What is her favorite color?”

He thought of that night blue sweater his little brother had always worn when they were children. He remembered how his first car had had the same color as well as the scarf he would wear every autumn.

“Night blue.” He said and smiled.

“Well that doesn’t help very much.” She sighed.

Close to nothing in the garden center had a darker shade than the red roses she had shown him just before the white ones. Finn sighed. He knew it wasn’t for the flowers and it never was for the food or the wine or the stuff he got him when he travelled. It never was about anything like that. It was about him and Killian and their weird lives and weird ways of being what they were – whatever that was – he wasn’t sure.  
And he knew it wasn’t because it was February the 13th it was because of that damn movie he had zapped into last night, telling people to be truthful and tell their loved ones what they felt before it was too late – no, that it was one day before Valentine’s Day was just what had kicked his butt even after the movie when he had stumbled to bed last night, slightly drunk from the bottle of wine he had emptied alone, pouring himself one more glass every time he thought of calling his little brother and ending this – whatever it was.

“What was that?”

He looked up, he was so deep in his thoughts he hadn’t heard his opposite speaking.

“Maybe you should get her a nice necklace with a sapphire.” She suggested.

He didn’t know whether she was joking and he didn’t care much when he left the center making a right to Grand Central Station. He doubted he could buy him _a nice necklace with a sapphire_ , he wasn’t sure if there was anything that he could buy for Valentine’s Day or for any other day to make it easier.

He was afraid. It was simply that, he realized when he waited for the train.

What was he supposed to do? Tell his brother that he was the only human on earth he would ever loved, that there would never be anyone else he would want to share a bed with and wake up to every morning?

He had lived in front of a house for the last three years. He stood in front of a door, waiting to become courageous enough to ring the bell, to say something – anything. For God’s sake! And even if he rung that bell, he would neither know what to say nor was he brave enough to wait what Kili would say.

He had to chuckle. _Kili_. That’s what he had called his little brother through all their childhood. He hated that name and loved it all the same. Finn was the only one who had ever been allowed to call him Kili. He could remember the silent days of their childhood as if he had a video recording of every moment. After their parents’ death they had moved to the countryside to live with their uncle. He had been a good man, trying his best to be both father, friend and sometimes even mother, but in the end it had always come down to the two of them.

As the train arrived he got into the last car and sat down on an empty bench.

He could remember how right in the beginning his little brother had climbed into his bed at night, snuggling up against his back, trying not to wake him. Finn had always known though.

_“Promise you’ll always be there. And that you won’t die, promise me Fili!”_

_“I promise.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

After a while neither of them was able to sleep alone anymore until Finn got into College at Albany. The last night before he had left, they had held on to each other so tight, he had been afraid they might suffocate during the night.

He hadn’t seen him much after that. Kilian had been at a camp the first Thanksgiving he came home and then Finn had spent Christmas with friends in Vermont. When he had come home for Easter, he had waited for Kilian to knock on his door all night. But he never came. Never again. He wasn’t sure whether to be glad or sad until one night he had woken up, searching for the familiar warmth in his bed and not realizing that he was alone.

Kili really was the only one he wanted to wake up next to. And the only one he wanted to take with him to sleep every night. And that frightened him. It had frightened him all his life. He was his little brother and his heart was full of love for him. The other kind of love. Or was it the same? He had spent long days wondering about that. He had never dreamed or fantasized about any other girl or boy (hell, he wasn’t even sure whether he was gay or not) he just wanted Kili, always and forever, and nobody else. His heart ached and it almost brought a tear to his eye.

He had been unbelievable (and disturbingly) happy when his little brother had found a job in New York City and announced he would be moving into the city the next summer. The times he had seen him after he had moved out to go to college could be counted on one hand, maybe two. He had helped him moving, _of course_ , had even convinced him to move to the city a month earlier to get to know it. Within days they were as close as they had been, as if they had never been apart. Of course they had different apartments now. Finn lived at Brooklyn Heights and Kili had his apartment in Downtown, still he would have breakfast at his place every Sunday morning after running his weekly five miles.

Then Abby had happened. She and Kilian had been together for almost a year and Finn had excluded himself from their life. He could not bear to see how she made him smile, knowing it wasn’t him that made him happy. When Kilian had told him it was over he had smiled before he had solaced him. Back then, he was still denying that he was terribly in love with the only person on earth he could not love.

He wasn’t anymore. He was 28 now; the time for denying what he felt was over. He had been to a therapist and then to another until one had asked him if he had ever told his brother how he felt. She had sent him away later, telling him that he had no psychological problems just heartache. He still loved her for that, although their meeting had been brief.

That night he had literally stood in front of Kili’s door for the first time, afraid to knock or to call him up. He had left again, at dawn.

Some things made him wonder if he could feel the same. The way he smiled at him, how there seemed to be this one smile he would never show anybody else just him or the way he would always hold unto Finn for a little longer than necessary, caressing his back lovingly. When they watching TV together late at night, Kili would always snuggle up to him, his head on his brother’s chest. Still, whenever Finn thought he wanted to freeze the moment for forever, his little brother would get up and call it a night.

It had almost driven him nuts. Being sure and then not being sure again, never actually knowing if finally coming clear would mean losing him and if there was one thing he was sure of – and he wasn’t sure of much – he would not be able to live without his little brother. Never in his life would he survive a single day without knowing that Kili was only a train ride away waiting for him with open arms, smiling at him as if he was the sun himself.

No, he would not survive a single day without his little brother.

That made it all even worse. Living with his feelings became harder and harder with every day that passed. It had to get out, for better or worse. He might be able to turn it into a joke, he thought, if he would sense that Kili didn’t take it well. _Oh_ this needed to end in some way soon or he would jump off that wiry, menacing bridge he saw form his window every morning.

His heart was beating hard against his ribcage when he bought a single red rose from the flower lady who owned the small flower shop around the corner of his apartment. He put it into a high, pretty bud vase as he came home and placed it on the kitchen counter where he would see it in the morning. A silent reminder.

He felt sick when he went to bed that night, almost nauseous. Maybe he would be too sick to get up tomorrow and the conversation he so urgently had to have would be postponed yet again. And maybe next year they both had nice girlfriends and he would soon laugh about _how he wanted to confess his love to his little brother on Valentine’s Day 2013_.

 

He didn’t sleep very well that night. His neighbors were listening to Bach until late and the noise made him wake up again and again and within seconds he thought of the rose and of Kili and how miserable he felt about it all.  
They turned it off at some point, however, and the thanked God. He would at least get some hours of sleep. It did not take him long then to finally fall asleep.  
  
If only for a few hours though.  
At first he thought they had turned on the music again but then he realized that someone was persistently ringing his doorbell. Still tired and weary with sleep, he shuffled to his door having a quick look at the clock in the kitchen. It was six thirty.

The rose stood quietly screaming in its vase. Accusing him, telling him it was Valentine’s Day. He ignored it.

He couldn’t ignore it for long though when he opened the door. He had first assumed his neighbor Kelly had locked herself out again after partying all night, but is was in fact his little brother that waited for him outside the door, charming and happy as ever. His heart started beating harder.

“What are you doing here? It’s half past six.” He asked and leaned again the door frame, hiding his excitement.

“I was taking a run.”

“At six am? On a Saturday?”

“Yes, and I thought I’d say hello.” He smiled, but then his smile vanished as Finn did not ask him to come inside, “You-you have a visitor?” He asked insecurely.

“No-no, it’s just – not cleaned up.” Finn answered with a swift look over his shoulder.

His brother’s face brightened up again, but he was too tired to realize.

“So, sun is gonna rise soon, you wanna come with me to the bridge and watch it?”

He was joking, right? He had to be joking.

Finn had thought it all through, every little second. He would meet him tonight at his flat and get it over with, but not now at half past six in the morning.

“Yah sure, just… just give me a second to put something on.” He replied anway.

He opened his door so Kili could come in before he vanished into his bedroom, looking for a warm hoodie and some jeans. He was dressed in no time, he would just go down to the river with him, watch the sun rise, say good bye and have the rest of the morning for himself before he would spend the rest of the day composing a few sentences for the evening.

He wasn’t however prepared to find Kili holding the rose between his fingers when he came back into his living room.

“Did you buy that for a girl?”

He was smirking, but Finn took it from his hand, shoving it back into the vase.

“None of your business.” He mumbled and pushed him into the direction of the door.

 

“C’mon you can tell me.” Kili teased him when they were on their way to the bridge.  
It was cold and a little windy, Finn was happy he had put on the sweater. Kilian only wore a loose T-Shirt and some grey sweatpants. He looked perfect.

“Do I know her?” He went on.

“None of your business, I said. Don’t you freeze to death?” He tried to change the subject. Of course it worked.

“I ran all the way from my flat, I’m good.” He smiled.

_God, that smile._

“Any plans for the weekend?” Finn asked.

“The Yankees have a game tonight, Abby wanted to come over to watch it.”

Finn bit his tongue. There it was again. His heart was pounding and hurting all the same time.

“You two are… seeing each other again?”

He casually asked when the river came into eyesight. He wanted to vomit and cry and die right on the spot and then turn around, move to San Francisco and never see him again. Let him be together with Abby and be happy instead of burden him with his feelings.

“It’s just baseball and maybe some Fettuccine later, we’ll see.”

Finn nodded when they arrived at the river. It was already dawning. Slowly, they walked along Brooklyn Promenade next to each other.

“So, that rose… anyone I know?” He tried again.

“Leave it alone Kili.”

“Oh c’mon, just tell me, who’s the lucky girl?” He poked him.

“Nobody.” He crunched.

“Well, you bought her a rose, you never buy any Valentine’s Day gifts, so she must be someone special.”

Finn hid his head between his shoulders and his nose in his scarf. He prayed Kili would stop, would just leave it and stop bugging him. Otherwise he could not guarantee for a happy ending.

“Is she from work? I wouldn’t know her if she was from work, right? Or is it your neighbor? Kelly? She’s sweet!”

“Kili, leave it, please.” He howled desperately.

“Just tell me, I promise I won’t tell her.” He stopped where he stood. They were maybe 20 yards apart.

 

Behind the river, the sun was rising when Finn lost it.

“IT’S YOU, YOU MORON!” He turned around and screamed. A tear had left his eye, “I bought it for you, you complete idiot, I was, I was gonna give it to you tonight. For God’s sake.” He put one hand over his eyes.

It was silent for a moment.

“You bought it for me?” Finn hadn’t thought to ever hear that voice again. It was sweet and low and full of surprise. Just the way it had sounded before their parents had died. He loved that voice.

“Yes, I-I, I can’t live this way anymore. It makes me sick, not-not knowing, not being…” he paused and looked up but he couldn’t bear looking into his brother’s eyes.

“…not being with you.” He took a deep breath. “I was going to ask you to be my Valentine with that stupid rose.” He had to laugh and shake his head, it seemed so hilarious now. Why had he ever thought about telling him? Why did he ever think he had to? Because of some wet dreams? Some sleepless nights? What fool had he been. He was sick and nothing more.

He didn’t expect an answer and he was still not brave enough to look into Kili’s face.

“What’s so funny?”

Finn eventually heard a stern, honest voice say. And then he looked up, finally. He didn’t see any irritation or anger or disgust, in fact he did not see anything, Kili’s face was just plane and honest.

“What?” He asked breathlessly.

“Are you making fun of this?”

He still didn’t understand. He was trembling.

“Fili-“ he hadn’t been called that in ages, “do-do you mean that or are you joking so I stop asking who she is?”

He shook his head again. The air was crisp and cold and wonderfully clear.

“No, I mean it and I get it if you wanna go home now and never see me again.” He said silently and looked at his feet and the grey asphalt, ready to turn away.

Well, at least it was out now. No matter what happened next his life would go on. He could stop standing in front of that house and stop being afraid to ring the bell.

“Does that mean you love me? Really, _love_ me?”

He had not seen him coming closer but Kili had reduced the 20 yards to less than two.

“I love you in any way possible”, Finn confessed and looked into his brother’s eyes, “I want you to share my bed again, to wake up with me in the morning and have breakfast, watch movies and make love to me, like any normal couple would.”

He did not have much of a chance to question whether Kili had understood because the next thing he knew was that his little brother’s soft lips where against his and oh – it was better than he had ever imagined. He soon felt himself being pressed against the railing, not a single centimeter left in between them. He put both his arms around Kili, pressing him flush against himself and burying his hands in his T-Shirt. Their kiss didn’t end; it only grew more demanding and heated, as if all this had not only been bottle up inside him for the past years.

“You fool”, he heard him cry, “how dare you let me wait so long.” Kili hit Finn’s chest with his hands and sniveled, “I thought I was alone with this and then you-you”, he kissed him again, taking his face in both of his hands: “Don’t ever do that to me again!”

Finn was still speechless. He needed a moment to process the last seconds, he was widely unable to comprehend them so he was glad when Kili started speaking again.

“What made you wait so long?”

“I-I thought you’d think I’m sick or whatever.”

“Sick? Why would I do that? I’ve loved you all my life!”

“How was I supposed to know?” He caressed his brother’s black curls.

“I’ve given you hints, hundreds, all the times I crawled into your bed or what I said and did after I moved to New York, why did you think I moved to here in the first place?”

“What about Abby then?”

“Well, I had to make you jealous or at least move on at some point.”

Finn smiled.

“I love you so much.” Kili said and buried his head in Finn’s scarf, “I never wanted to be with anyone else, I couldn’t even imagine anything like that.”

“Why did you never say anything?”

“I was afraid you would reject me, and I was the younger one and you left us, I thought I wasn’t important.”

“I left so you could be happy and we could have a more… normal relationship.”

“Do you want this to be … ‘ _normal_ ’ then?”

Finn smiled and kissed his nose and then his forehead and then his lips.

“Never.”

“Can I be your Valentine then?”

Finn had to laugh and hugged him even tighter.

“I even have a rose for you at home.”

“Get a white one next year.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment so I know whether I can continue writing for them or leave it because I suck at it :P


End file.
